The closer I get, the farther away that I am...

I keep adding, removing, and changing the story. I manipulate and tweak, large-scale and small changes. I want so much from this story, perhaps too much. I don't want to be rich, if I did, I'd choose a path other than that of a writer. What I want is to share stories that touch, inspire, and entertain. I want a satisfying career. That's all. Here is another sample of Bayne and John for you. 

“…not perfect.” His words were muffled against my mouth.

“What are you mumbling about?” I pulled back just slightly and tried for a confident smile.

“I’m not perfect, sometimes I need…” Bayne paused, clearly looking for the right words, “I…I just need…”

“I’m so sorry, Bayne.” I sighed and stroked my hand through his multi-hued hair.

He looked younger, sitting there looking up at me, his face somehow innocent and quite lost. I had no idea that I was capable of doing so much damage to someone who was normally so strong, so self-assured.

“I love you, John.” Bayne’s lips trembled slightly.

My first reaction was to pull back, to give him space, but that approach hadn’t worked out so well thus far. Instead I stepped closer to him, stealing away the last fraction of space between us and I pulled him to my body firmly. I held him tightly, as though I could hold him together if I just gripped hard enough. In the end it hadn’t been true, but I held on anyway as he sobbed against me.

It's been awhile...

Yes, I am still working with Bayne & John. I want perfection. I want people to see that love between men is...still love. Perhaps I am asking too much of myself and of the general population, but I demand it just the same.
I feel as though something important is added with each pass. I feel as though the love is stronger with each touch. There is pain, death, and drama in nearly every chapter - but I also demand love and beauty. I want human emotion and artistic prose.
I want a novel.
I hope to be done by May 2012. Beyond that, I am just dragging my feet and experiencing artistic denial. Here is a "snippet" from the book, for your entertainment :)

“Feel guilty?” Bayne murmured against my still closed mouth.

“Yeah…” I sighed, and finally parted my lips to him.

“Don’t, John...” He said, and then sucked my bottom lip sharply between his own lips, and nipping lightly, before having pulled away just enough to speak again. “...do you honestly think that we are the first two men to have ever kissed?”

A story to tell.

What makes for an interesting story? What do you remember long after you close the back cover of a book? Is it the conflict?

Check.

Is it the romance between the characters in the book?

Check.

Is it the conflict, internal or external, within the representation of fictional lives?

Check.

The book that I am working on, Still Love is its working title, has all of these elements. I think that what matters the most to me, in a fictional piece, is that I am able to identify with one or all of the characters in one fashion or another. Still Love is a piece that came to me through the ideals presented in a song and a hefty dose of "what if". I hate "what if" in real life, but I've found that with fiction, "what if" is a hugely important question.

What if he loved, what if he lied, what if he died...

What if it is all love?

2012 will be pivotal. Civil rights is far from a done deal, if you have deluded yourself into believing that race, cultural, and sexuality are all accepted, please don't. When one set of beliefs is attacked for its core basis, bad things happen. Do you think that I am wrong about this? Remember Hitler?

What's in a name?

My family would prefer that my given name and my "pen name" be different. I have a rather "plain" given name, so I guess that I am okay with this request. Does it bother me that I (or at the very least, my views) embarrass them, yeah, maybe a little bit, but what can really be done about family?
I thought that I knew what name I was going to use for my "pen name", but now I cannot commit to one. I was going to use Kaye West - but then I started thinking about Mae West and Kanye West and thought that I should probably choose something else. I probably should have come to this conclusion before I named my blog. If I have to do a "renaming" I guess now is the time as we are rapidly approaching 90K with the book and goddess willing, completion.
So, how about this: those of you who know me, what name suits me? (I know...a man’s name! lol!)

John

John is, in essence, who we all are, he is trying to find his way in this life - and in the process; love will find him. Still Love (working title) is told from John's perspective because the biggest of the changes are happening to him, or at least that is how he sees it. John is in his early twenties and is dating a woman who he doesn't love, because that is what he is supposed to be doing, for status and self-preservation sake. While in New Orleans on a business trip, John meets, and ultimately - falls in love with Bayne - amongst many other things that he had never imagined doing. Aside from being freaked out by having feelings for a man, John will face life head on during the time that we will spend with him. Life has already dealt him some sizable blows, but the ones that he will now be confronted with, will redefine him in every possible way.

Impromptu Blog!

It's an impromptu blog! Are you excited? I am!!
First things first, if you follow me on twitter and/or facebook - you will see that I posted about Adam Lambert having won the 2011 "Equality Idol Award" for his commitment to LGBT youths. This is positively amazing to me, kudos to Adam! One of my biggest hopes is that my writing will eventually serve as more than just a means for me to love what I do and to do what I love. I see these causes and have no idea of how to become involved. The community college that I attend has a Gay/Straight Alliance, this fall I intend upon becoming involve. A small effort, but still hugely important – I hope. If it doesn't make you angry that people are being persecuted for their sexual preferences, well, shame on you. How long before we turn a blind eye then to other persecutions as many have in the past.
Soapbox aside - I reached 80K+ words with Bayne and John tonight. It is a small achievement, yes, but still important to me. Again, the book has a working title of "Still Love" it is a story of love and loss in relation to a gay couple. Why is the working title so significant to me? Because, it is still love - no matter who the players are, people! - Oops...there goes the soapbox again... While we're on the aforementioned soapbox, I wanted to share something with you all that now has a greater meaning to me. I read something once where one author had made a post, and not a flattering one, about another author who had said something (this is not a direct quote) along the lines of: "Q: How do you write? A: You sit down at the keyboard and bleed." I have to say, being in round two of edits and just having reached my preliminary goal of 80K valuable words, I agree. I have become so close to my characters that they are, in a way, an extension of me. When they hurt, I hurt; when they love, I love; and when they are abused, I bleed.
I hope that someday, you will all get to read my book, because I am vain. I also hope that someday my book will be as important to someone else as it is to me - not because of the sex scenes and the fact that they are "hot" sex scenes, but because of the love.
Goodnight, all.
=

Airian

Airian Davis was an afterthought, but he has taken my story to previously unimaginable heights.

Airian is young, extremely young, and a former lover of Bayne’s. Airian falls into the plot – changing it and enriching it in ways that I could have never imagined. Never before have I allowed a fictional character so much freedom to do as he pleases in one of my stories. I misheard “Aaron” one day as “Airian” and then this richly flamboyant character stole the story! He possessed John and Bayne in ways that I had no concept of and took the story in a most unexpected direction! Airian is the heart of everything. He is broken, beaten and abused, yet he maintains vulnerability and an innocence that should be completely unattainable in a character with a past like his. Airian is a thing of beauty. He is twenty years old, almost six-feet tall, and has long blond hair. Airian is the man that you want to huddle into your embrace and protect with your dying breath. He is of the image of the gods and damned all at once.

*I had the great fortune of finding a physical representation of Airian. I like having a physical picture of my characters beyond the one that exists in my mind, but to date – Airian is the only one who has one. I won’t embarrass the real man by naming him – ever – but my astonishment remains that there is someone out there who is as beautiful as the Airian that I had imagined.